Recognise your Positive Qualities

One of the things I have been doing recently in a bid to improve my self esteem is to make lists of all my positive qualities and skills.  Sometimes we get so focused on the negative aspects of ourselves (I am lazy or cowardly for instance) that we lose all focus and base our entire self image on those one or two traits.  It is easy to forget that you are more than your social anxiety/depression and that you probably have more going for you that you realise.

It may seem cocky and arrogant at first, but I really encourage anyone having problems with self esteem to make a list of all the positive aspects of yourself that you can think of.  It could be a compliment that someone has given you about your appearance or work, or something that you are good at doing (maybe a sport or playing a musical instrument) or an aspect of your personality that you like (kind, good listener or good sense of humour).  I find it’s best to have a relatively high number to aim for in mind, say 15 or 20, otherwise it’s very easy to give up once you’ve reached a handful.

I have done this exercise many times over the last couple of years and every time I do it gets easier and easier ; it was actually one of the first exercises that we did on my CBT course.  I remember very early on in the group we had to go around in a circle and say one thing each that we had going for ourselves and I was the only person who could not think of a single thing to say!  The first time I attempted to write a list of my qualities it felt like searching for a needle in a haystack.

For each item you add to your list, have a think about it and think about why you have written that thing about yourself; what evidence do you have for it?  Has someone told you that? What have you done that makes you think that about yourself?  For example if one of your qualities is that you are brave your evidence might be that you left home to go to university despite being terrified, or you go to work every day despite getting anxiety beforehand.

The beauty of this exercise is that it doesn’t involve trying to change your thoughts or deluding yourself into thinking you are the most fantastic, beautiful person ever;  rather you are simply drawing your attention to what is already there and present in you but has simple been hidden by a negative self filter.

A Year Later ...

How has it been almost a whole year since my last entry?  

I am a little out of practice when it comes to writing so this post may be a little disjointed/all over the place!

I am trying to remember where I was in my life this time last year; I think I had just gotten the job at the farm shop.  I had planned on only working there until Christmas and then maybe going wwoofing in Germany for a few months or something.  Well that didn’t happen; I actually ended up working there until April this year (albeit only part time as it was a casual 0 hours contract).  In the spring of this year I applied for a seasonal job at a vegetable breeders near me and have been working there for most of the Summer but actually had my last day on Friday.  It was a pretty good job and much more suited to my natural introversion as it involved mostly sitting in a greenhouse either on my own or with 1 or 2 other temps and was a good chance to earn a decent amount of money.  Though I feel like I really struggled with our supervisor there (at least until the last week or so) and any of the “senior” people; I can rarely manage anything more than a polite smile and “hello”, “okay” and “good thanks”.  I know it could be a lot worse so I am probably making a big deal out of nothing but it is disheartening to know that this fear is still very much entrenched in me and shows no signs of going away.

Some other big (sort of) news is the fact that back in November I actually started a social anxiety meetup group, however the group only lasted a few months as I found it was a bit too stressful and anxiety provoking for me.  We had a few meetups though with small groups of people and although at the time I was extremely disappointed with my “performance” as a meetup host I am very proud of myself for giving it a go and challenging myself in that way.  It’s definitely something I want to take up again when I feel more ready for it; probably when I eventually move out for good.

One other very positive thing that came out of that group was *ahem* meeting a certain someone :)Yes that’s right, I have a boyfriend now.  We met at the first ever meetup I held and have been together since the end of November.  Obviously, since we met at an SA group, we have that in common which for the most part has been really good as we are always understanding of eachother and can offer advice and support.  So yes, romantically my life is going very well.

Other than my boyfriend though my social life has pretty much hit a standstill; I haven’t seen my uni friends since February/March.  Even though one of them is living half an hour away from me and the last time we met seemed really keen to meet up more often I haven’t heard anything since.  I know part of that is my responsibility as well but I can’t help but feeling that if she really wanted to see me she would have made the effort, seeing as I did it the last time.  I do miss having female friends to talk to.  I have my sister when she is back from uni during the holidays but we have grown into two such completely different people over the last few years that I find it hard sometimes to talk properly to even her.

I still don’t know where my life is going;  I know I want to help people with SA and depression and make a difference in the world and get involved in environmental issues but I don’t really know how to get started with those goals.  One thing I have noticed recently though is that I am less and less focused on what sort of job and career path I want and more on the type of things I want to do and the type of life I want to lead.  Which I see as a good thing.

That’s enough for now; I want to get into the habit of posting regularly again so expect to hear from me again very soon.

Thanks for reading!

5 Things I Learned While Wwoofing

1.       That I am actually much more capable than I give myself credit for.  I threw myself into something which I knew absolutely nothing about and actually ended up enjoying it.

I am able to pick up new skills quite quickly.  I fluffed up a few times at the beginning but I learned from my mistakes and it wasn’t the end of the world. 

2.       That meeting new people isn’t as scary as I thought it was and can actually be fun.

There are a lot of interesting people out there and they all have their own insecurities and problems.  Most of the young people I spoke to didn’t have a clue where their lives were going either and were just as worried as me about their future.

3.       It’s good to ask questions – it shows you’re interested and it doesn’t make people think you’re stupid.

If you’re unsure about something it’s much better to just ask rather than run the risk of doing something wrong and looking like a fool.

4.       That you don’t need lots of “stuff” to make you happy.  Sometimes the simple life really is the best one. 

I lived in the same few trousers and tops pretty much for 5 months and during that time I stopped caring so much about what people thought of my appearance - a really liberating feeling.  Before my experience if I was having a bad day I would make myself feel better by going out and buying a new top which I would probably never wear but would make me feel better for a few hours.

5.       That being outdoors in nature (especially by the sea) is one of the best cures for depression.

There is something so reassuring about sitting on the beach watching the waves crashing onto the shore.  Being able to see the huge expanse of water in front of you and imagine all the people across it in other countries going about their daily lives, each with their own problems and worries, really brings home insignificant your problems are in the grand scheme of things.

Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale

I just re-took the Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test here.  Below are a comparison of my score 2 and a half years ago and today:

Jan 2010 :   45 (fear) + 36 (avoidance) = 81 , severe social phobia

Sept 2012 : 41 (fear) + 26 (avoidance) = 67 , marked social phobia.

This is not great news.  I would have thought/hoped I would have gone down a bit more than that.  I know the scale isn’t perfect and you can’t base the severity of your issues on a number, but it gives a rough idea at least.  I’m glad my avoidance score has gone down though; I guessed it would have done.  When I took that test last I was going through a really bad time and was skipping lectures on a daily basis and had trouble just going to the supermarket to buy food.  Nowadays I have no issues going out to buy food, using public transport, walking down a busy street, going to the bank to pay in a cheque, and going into a coffee shop alone, all things which, two years ago, used to strike fear into my heart.  The areas which drag me down are still public speaking and using the telephone.  Answering the telephone is less of a big deal to me now but I still would use email or text rather than call someone I don’t know, which is a form of avoidance and something I know I need to work on.

Seeing this results has inspired me once more to up my game and really really push myself.  I need to reevaluate where I'm at in terms of my anxiety and figure out what it is that still causes me anxiety and is holding me back.

Update - What I'm Upto

Wow I think this is the longest time I’ve ever gone without updating my blog.  I think that’s a good sign; I tend to blog more when things are getting me down and I need somewhere to vent my frustrations.

I have been back at home now for over a month – 6 weeks in fact – and have been working as a shop assistant at a farm shop for 2 weeks.  I didn’t have too much trouble finding a job; I think because my return coincided with the end of the summer holidays and the students going back to uni and so everywhere was looking for replacement staff anyway.  It’s not a great job; I get minimum wage and it can be incredibly dull and repetitive some days but it’s at least good to be earning money again.  I don’t see myself working there much beyond Christmas anyway (*touch wood*).  Anxiety wise I have had ups and downs at this new job.  It’s customer service - have spent the majority of my time on the tills.  At the beginning it was pretty scary; my first day was a Saturday and it was packed in the shop; I was serving customers non-stop all day so I was sort of thrown in at the deep end, especially as I was still getting to grips with the till.  I’m generally okay serving customers now – I can smile and say hello and that comes to ... please, thankyou, goodbye etc.  But when customers try and make conversation with me I seem to dry up and can’t think of how to respond to them, especially if there are other people around.  I am having trouble talking to my colleagues though – granted I haven’t really had that much chance to get to know them anyway as I’m often left on my own on the tills while they’re on the shop floor.  Yesterday was a better day though – it wasn’t very busy so I had a chance to chat to one of the other girls there while we were sorting through stock together.  So work wise it could be better – then again it could also be a lot, lot worse.

Goodbyes

It's my last day in Cornwall today.  I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Exeter for a few days to stay with my sister in her student digs (which will bring it's own challenges for me I'm sure) before heading up to North Devon for my next wwoof placement.  To be honest for the past few weeks I've been feeling a bit frustrated with this place, even though my host, J. is a really nice guy and it's a lovely place to stay.  The working hours and the type of work have been getting to me, so I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and learning some new things.

I'm determined not to let myself go into shy mode at the new place.  I don't want a repeat of wwoof host #4 where it took me 2 weeks to come out of myself and actually feel comfortable around my hosts.  I think I can manage it.

I said my goodbyes to one of the tenants here, who was going away for the weekend so wouldn't see me tomorrow.  He has made a few comments about how he'll miss me when I'm gone this past week but I just brushed it off as him being polite or something (after all, no-one could possible miss my presence, I'm much too boring, quiet, and have nothing interesting to say :P ).  Anyway he said it again yesterday as he was leaving and I didn't really say anything (wasn't quite sure what to say, goodbyes never were my forte), and he carried on and said "Now I've gotten to know you a bit, I'd have liked to get to know you more." or something along those lines.  Again I immediately brushed it off as him just searching for something nice to say to fill a silence.  But the more I think about it, the more I realise I have no justification for this thought.  If he said he'll miss me and he enjoyed getting to know me, then who am I to disregard his sentiment?  Why would he say it unless he meant it?  People don't generally say they'll miss people unless they mean it.  Maybe he saw something in me worth getting to know.  He did seem genuinely interested in me after all, or at least put on a good show of it.  He even asked for my number to keep in contact.  I'm just going to accept  his statement and add it to my catalogue of evidence against my negative thoughts.

2 Years

Wow, I just realised I reached my 2 year blog anniversary (bloggiversary?) this week.   My life has changed a hell of a lot since I started this blog, admittedly not as much as I had hoped, but that still doesn't negate the progress I have made.  This time two years ago, I had just found out I had failed my second year of university and was looking forward to a summer of studying for my resits for a course that I had come to hate.  I was going through a major depressive episode (one of many during my time at university), and could barely hold a conversation with anybody other than my 3 housemates and my then boyfriend (who I no longer loved but stayed with anyway out of a fear of being alone).

Fast forward two years and I'm still struggling with bouts of depression and SA, but they no longer have the same hold on me that they used to.  I no longer really experience that total, utter dread before a social situation (touch wood), but I still find it incredibly difficult to break out of my shy persona when I'm talking to new people.  If I keep at it though, who knows where I'll be in another two years time?